My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
