I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
