Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
