Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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