Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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