I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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