How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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