Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
