i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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