Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
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PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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