Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
