Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
