She said her name was "party"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
