Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
nutella sex= disaster
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
