who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
