A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
