You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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