i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
