i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
