Your mouth is God's brothel.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
