My liver just broke up with me...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
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i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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