Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
