i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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