I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
