He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
