I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Congratulations! We have a period
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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