then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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