just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
