Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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