What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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