I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
