I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
