Got a toothbrush?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
