hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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