i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
