Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
