Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
