i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
