Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
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my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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