I love black thongs
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
