can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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