u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
