I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
