I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
