I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
