someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
