omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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