You smell like a Billy Joel song
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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