boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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