The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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