dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
