my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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