Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
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Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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