I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Lo siento on account of my penis...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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