you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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