Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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