My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
